


I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating

by NatalieRyan



Series: Whumptober 2020 [19]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Broken Hearts, Day 19, Emotional Whump, Gen, Grief, Jack is the father Mac deserves, James MacGyver's A+ parenting, James is a dick, Mac's mom's death anniversary, Mourning, Whump, Whumptober 2020, give this boy all the hugs and love, not James MacGyver friendly story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27109783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatalieRyan/pseuds/NatalieRyan
Summary: “People-““People are suffering and will suffer every day regardless of what I do. I have to take care of myself sometimes.”“What you need is to grow up, Angus. The world doesn't revolve around you. I always knew that you were special, you could do so much, yet here you are wasting your talents and your days on emotions instead of doing great things. Your mother was a dreamer herself, look where that got her.”His father could have slapped him in that moment and it wouldn't have hurt Mac as much as James' words did.“You were so much like her. You still are. And you won't ever understand what a hindrance that is. I've had great expectations of you, Angus, but you've disappointed me.”“Sorry that I'm not who you wanted me to be. And I think you are the one that won't ever understand, dad.”Mac moved towards the door and as he opened it, he stopped and turned around.“And fuck your expectations.”
Relationships: Angus MacGyver & James MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Series: Whumptober 2020 [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948579
Comments: 16
Kudos: 53
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SabbyStarlight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SabbyStarlight/gifts), [N1ghtshade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/N1ghtshade/gifts).



> One more story for the "James MacGyver is a shit parent" train this time coming in the form of him just being a dick about Mac having feelings over his mom's death anniversary.   
> I got this idea few months ago when I was talking to SabbyStarlight about one of my other stories that involved James (I think it was when I was working on my post 3x05 story, but can't be sure about it atm). I filed this idea for later, and I meant to work on it another time, but when I came upon today's prompt, I knew it was the right fit.  
> Thank you thistle for listening to me rant about this one as well as everything else along the way, plus letting me murder you with the angst and the feels. And of course, thanks for the beta.   
> Without further ado, prepare to be in a position to want to punch James as much as I want.

Everyone had their bad days. Or days where they didn't fire on all cylinders and had to power through them just by sheer willpower. And then were the days, dates, that reminded you of something particular. Happy, sad, when was the airdate of your favorite TV show. And then there was the day (or days) that reminded you of losing someone you loved. Someone you cared about. 

Just like it was the case with Mac today. 

It was the anniversary of his mom's death. 

And Mac hated to admit to himself that he wasn't at his best. He was distracted, and he was sad, and about a thousand other feelings in one. It was also the first anniversary since he was ten that his father was around for.

The thing was, Mac knew that people processed grief differently. And his father not showing feelings could very well mean that his father processed grief differently than Mac or anyone else. But at the same time he wanted for his father to show at least a little bit of compassion. 

Mac sighed. He was going to get a dressing down, he just knew it. His father was probably going to do it once they were safely alone. He never had an outburst in public. And Mac never told anyone about those occurrences. It was what it was. At least before the whole fiasco with Mac wanting to quit they had a faceless Oversight. Now he had a face and it was his father's. 

All he wanted was to be understood and his grief to be recognized. He hoped his father had mellowed out throughout the years, that he realized he wasn't the only one that lost. That Mac lost too. He foolishly hoped that his father would be there for him, to reminisce and remember her. 

Mac didn't need a particular day or date to miss his mom. But whenever the anniversary of her death approached, he felt more nostalgic, more sad. Tried to grasp onto the memories he still had of her. Those that weren't warped or changed by how he viewed them as a kid. And sue him, but he hoped that his father would help him out, would share some details, tell him stories. 

Fat chance of that ever happening though. He was too old to be asking for “stories”. And for almost getting them all killed, Mac wasn't sure he deserved it. 

He was tense, and holding himself together only by the sheer willpower not to let the others see the turmoil that was going on inside him. Mac could feel Jack fall in step with him, knew that his partner had witnessed Mac almost dispatching them to their maker, but blessedly said nothing. Jack was just there, walking step by step with Mac, offering comfort even though they were the farthest from comfort as it was. 

Mac had to admit that he didn't expect Jack to offer that comfort. He was distant in the several months since his father reemerged, and every attempt Jack made to get closer to him and offer the comfort Mac needed, craved it even, Mac just shut down. He felt like he shouldn't be entitled to that or Jack's friendship, partnership. After all, his father was the one that made it happen. The reason why Mac and Jack met in the desert. And Mac couldn't help but think that if Jack wasn't tasked with watching his back in the Sandbox, then Jack wouldn't have gotten attached to him. He didn't deserve to have Jack in his life. And the best way to distance himself from Jack, was to just act like he didn't need Jack. 

It hurt. It hurt a lot. But Mac wasn't above suffering alone if it meant that he got to save Jack the additional feelings of failing him when Jack did everything right. It was Mac that was the problem. And the sooner Jack saw that, the sooner he would leave. And Mac counted on it. He didn't want Jack to stay and ruin his life by caring about Mac too much. There were so many more important things in life than Jack wasting his own on taking care of Mac. 

Once on the plane, Mac didn't head for the couch as he usually did. He was too wired to try napping and with his father around, he didn't want to agitate him more than he already was. Mac could tell by the calm and calculated demeanor his father showed in front of everyone. James just bided his time.

Mac could feel Jack's eyes on him the second he sat down and he had a feeling Jack was about to come and sit next to him, but Jack opted out of it, sitting next to Riley instead. 

Bozer and Leanna were already asleep, leaning one against the other. It was cute how close they were and seemingly feeling safe if being able to fall asleep immediately after an op was a tell enough. Mac used to be able to do that, sometimes the only sleep he was able to get between missions. Or after a particularly gruesome mission, being plagued by nightmares, and then the only one able to snap him out of it was currently on the other end of the plane. Which for Mac it felt like they weren't in the same airplane anymore. 

Mac exhaled. It was his own fault. His wish was being granted. Not that he wanted that. He just wanted to spare Jack the hours he'd spend on worrying about Mac and potentially the broken heart when one day Mac was eventually going to do something that would chase Jack away. 

Mac knew that these thoughts were unhealthy, that there was a root to him feeling like this and that it was actually his father and what his father left him with, but Mac couldn't stop this train of thought. It was pathetic, really. And Mac knew better than anyone that you should not decide for someone else. But he did it to protect Jack. And if he suffered the consequences of it? Then so be it. 

…

His father approached him mid-flight with the briefing idea. It was the first time they did it on the plane. Matty always insisted that the briefing should happen at the War Room, and that way they all had a say in what happened and she knew when someone was lying. Except if she needed to interview them separately. Plus most of the missions were recorded on comms and there wasn't much to be done with paperwork. 

Mac just wanted to be done and over with, he felt like prolonging this agony would just lead to more questioning and he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone about what happened. During the briefing and James forcing Mac to relay everything in a recorded message, Mac realized that his team had no idea what transpired, so he opted out of telling them about almost failing to disarm the bomb. He was distracted and nothing he was going to do or the number of sorry's he said were going to pull him out of the mud. He was in deep shit and he knew it. Thankfully, the others didn't. 

That might not be for much longer, though. Mac could tell that his father was gearing up to start the lesson. Mac didn't want to think that James would start on the plane, but his father was a mystery to Mac. A mystery Mac had trouble solving despite thinking he had all variables to come to a conclusion. 

Mac sighed. He was drifting off with his thoughts again. And he could tell his father noticed by the frown of his face that would have been unnoticeable to many, but Mac knew what it meant. He was disappointed in Mac. And Mac knew it was his fault. Mac just wished he had a bit of reprieve and time to come to terms with himself and start anew. 

If he could just get a magic wand and return to this morning and listen to Jack… 

Mac tried to shake out of his thoughts. This morning things were back to what Mac remembered before. Before his father was revealed to be Oversight. Before everything went upside down. 

Mac wanted to go back to this morning when Jack came to his house with breakfast, and said nothing. Jack probably remembered the date and wanted to be with Mac. Mac appreciated the gesture and he really wanted to just lean on Jack, let Jack help him and hold him as Mac grieved. Thinking back on things Mac couldn't remember if he actually grieved his mother's death properly. 

Mac ate mechanically, knowing what was on his plate, but not tasting it, thoughts going on a loop. He dressed in a daze, not noticing that his hands were shaking. Not until Jack looped an arm around Mac and pulled him in a hug. 

Mac wanted to cry with how good it felt to be hugged and comforted by his partner, the best friend after Bozer, someone that never left. Someone that Mac was sure was coming close to be at the end of his rope with how Mac treated him lately. And yet, Jack still stayed. He was stubborn like that. 

Mac was brought out of his thoughts by the overhead speaker. The pilot was saying that they were close to descent and Mac knew that his father wasn't going to start talking until they were in private. 

…

Mac dragged his feet. He was walking towards the inevitable and every step felt leaden as they neared James' office. 

Mac could feel everyone's eyes on them, this time both Bozer and Riley were looking at him as well. He made the mistake of turning around to look at them. He shouldn't have because their faces looked just like Mac was afraid they would. They were sad and full of compassion and sympathy. 

Jack was the only one that had rage in his eyes. And oddly enough, Mac could tell it wasn't pointed towards Mac. Jack just nodded, like he wanted to tell Mac that he still got him, that he still was going to be there. Mac didn't know what to think of it. 

With one final look, and feeling like he was heading to an execution, Mac followed his father in his office. Mac didn't dare sit, he knew that James was going to frown harder if he saw Mac sit, showing the need to rest, although Mac felt weak in the knees and like he was ready to fall over. This day, this mission, drained him both physically and emotionally. 

“So, Angus. What do you have to say for yourself?” 

Mac hated when his father addressed him like this, like Mac was still the young kid he was scolding for doing something James didn't approve of. And the way his father always used his whole name. 

“I…” 

Mac faltered. He didn't know if he could just go with feeling sad. Feeling of any kind weren't things in his father's book of “excuses” that Mac was allowed to use. 

“I hope that you'll think hard before you answer my question, son. I know that you know you were in the wrong today. And I surely hope it won't happen again.”

“Yes, I'm aware.” Mac spoke mechanically because he knew everything else wouldn't be taken well. 

“Well, then? What do you expect me to say to you, Angus? This is just short of a disaster. You are always careful and focused. You've disarmed bombs that were more complicated than this one. There must be a reason why you were distracted.” 

“I'm sorry, it won't happen again.”

“Oh, I'm sure it won't happen again. I'll be monitoring your work. If I even see the slightest falter you'll be benched until further notice. Maybe it'll lead to you thinking it through well before acting and almost blowing us all up.” 

Mac didn't know what was going on in his father's head. But the obvious was that his father was disappointed. And made sure to show that. 

“I am aware of the risks. Things just happen sometimes and we can't control them.” 

Mac should have known better than to say that out loud. It was as if he called his father's wrath on himself. James never liked it when Mac was out of control as he called it and it bugged Mac up until this day. Why was his father so hung up on Mac being perfectly in control, always, thus controlling Mac in the ways he saw fit. 

“You really don't get this, do you? In this line of work, being in control is everything. You can't allow yourself to not be at 100% ready, Angus.” 

“But-” 

“I haven't finished! Stop talking!” 

James was yelling now and Mac flinched. This wasn't good. 

“In the field that control might mean life or death situations. I thought you were better than this. I'm so disappointed in you.” 

Something in Mac snapped then. 

“You don't even know what day it is, do you?” 

And the thing was, Mac knew that he shouldn't have shown emotions in front of his father. That got him into trouble enough while he was a kid. But he was tired, he was sad and even if Mac didn't want to acknowledge it, he was heading steadily towards a depressive episode. He was fucking exhausted. 

“What day is it? What's this? Are you twelve or something? You need me to hold your hand or something?” 

Mac felt a hot tear slide down his cheek. He never meant to cry in front of his father, but he was done hiding how he felt. 

“No, I just need my father to be there for me. Guess I'm asking for too much.” 

“Angus-” 

“All I ever wanted was to have my father in my life because I lost my mom when I was young. I couldn't even grieve her properly because I was supposed to be better than that. I was a kid, I missed her. What did you expect my reaction to be? Hell, I am twenty-eight, dad. I'm twenty-eight and I miss her.”

Mac took a deep breath, tears now freely falling down his cheeks, he tried to wipe them to appear more coherent. 

“You lost her too, dad. And all this time, I just wanted to know what I did wrong. Guess I got my answer. I was never the son you wanted.” 

“What is the point of acknowledging that I lost her too, Angus? Emotions are going to destroy you. Don't you know that?” 

“That I will admit. I made a mistake and I let my emotions run ahead of me. I almost didn't do my job well. But you forget that we aren't machines. We are not robots. We are human, dad. And I'm tired of being seen only as a tool. A means to an end. I deserve some slack, don't you think? I've been doing what you wanted for years.” 

“Don't you dare talk to me like that, Angus. I'm your father, your boss, and you will respect me.” 

“Or what? What are you going to do? Fire me? Reprimand me? Get it on the record? Go ahead, do it! It won't change the fact that I am who I am and that I have feelings. And yes. Today is exactly twenty-three years since mom died, and I am sad and miserable over it. Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear. I admit that I made a mistake. But I won't apologize for my emotions.” 

“People-“ 

“People are suffering and will suffer every day regardless of what I do. I have to take care of myself sometimes.” 

“What you need is to grow up, Angus. The world doesn't revolve around you. I always knew that you were special, you could do so much, yet here you are wasting your talents and your days on emotions instead of doing great things. Your mother was a dreamer herself, look where that got her.” 

His father could have slapped him in that moment and it wouldn't have hurt Mac as much as James' words did. 

“You were so much like her. You still are. And you won't ever understand what a hindrance that is. I've had great expectations of you, Angus, but you've disappointed me.” 

“Sorry that I'm not who you wanted me to be. And I think you are the one that won't ever understand, dad.” 

Mac moved towards the door and as he opened it, he stopped and turned around. 

“And fuck your expectations.” 

Mac slammed the door of his father's office and thought he heard someone say “We'll talk about this later” which came up in Jack's voice in Mac's head, and Mac was sure that he was losing his mind with imagining things.

Mac barely registered his surroundings as he walked faster, almost jogging, trying to escape his father's words and the building, unaware that he was being followed. 

He was halfway to his Jeep when he noticed that someone was going after him and for the briefest second he thought it was his father. 

But the steps were familiar. And Mac would recognize them everywhere. 

_ Jack _ . 

“Mac, stop.” 

But Mac didn't want to stop. 

“Mac, please.” 

It was Jack's voice, that pleading voice that finally stopped him in his tracks. 

“Mac, just… please. Don't leave like this.” 

Mac could tell that Jack was desperate. And in that moment everything flew out of the window. Mac turned around and found Jack close to him, hovering, but not coming closer. 

Mac moved and almost fell as his knees finally buckled. Jack was there in a flash and steadied him. Mac just fell in Jack's arms and held on. 

…

Jack was still holding him even when Mac was done sobbing and crying and screaming. He held him through Mac baring his soul, telling him about what his father said, and how he had his worst fear come to life. How Mac always feared that he wasn't enough and was always wondering if he was the reason why James left. 

Jack stayed with him and held him as Mac apologized. For everything he'd said and done to alienate Jack from himself. To make him leave. And Jack reassured him that he was never going to leave, that he'll always stay and that unless one of them died, no one was leaving without the other following. They weren't going to make the same mistakes. 

“I'm really sorry. About everything. About today. All of it. I just… I'm so sorry, Jack.” 

He'd long since stopped crying, he was just letting himself be held and breathed calming breaths, matching them with Jack's heartbeat. 

Jack held on tight, running his hands through Mac's hair in a soothing rhythm. 

“I told you. You don't have to apologize. I know what you did. And I understand. It's normal.” 

“But I hurt you.” 

“I know why you did it. And I won't hold it over your head, okay? Life's too short for that.” 

“Okay. If you say so.” 

Jack moved around until he had Mac facing him. 

“I say so because I mean it, hoss. I am not mad. You are the most important person in my life. My family. And hell would freeze over before I get mad at you for being you.” 

“Jack…” new tears threatened to spill from Mac's eyes at Jack's words. 

“I want you to know this, and I know you don't believe it, and I really wanna punch your father right now. Don't tell him I said that.” Jack chuckled, but his voice caught on his emotions. 

“I won't.”

“You are enough, Mac. You are enough. It doesn't mean that you are less worthy if you are having a bad day or you can't do something. You are human. We all are. The only expectation I have from you is to make it one more day. Nothing else. I just need you to live. To fight. Whatever it is that happens to you at any given moment won't make me love you less. You mean a lot to me. Mac. I hope you know that.” 

“Likewise, Jack. And I know that. It's just… he has the ability to get in my head.”

“Yes, he does. I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. It's his issue. Not mine. I'm done letting him yank my chain.”

Jack looked at him incredulously, and Mac couldn't help but chuckle. 

“Don't look so surprised, Jack. It was about damn time. Took me so long to realize that. And it makes me mad that I let him just… control my life, y'know? He was a huge part of it behind the scenes that feels so wrong. I don't regret meeting you, you are the only good that came out of his machinations. But it bothers me that he was always hell bent on operating on the assumption that I should behave in a certain way.” 

“You should never do anything other than what you want, Mac. You are your own self. You are an adult.” 

“Yeah, I know that. But his influence is hard to break through. And his power to make you feel worthless is strong. It just reminds me of a time when I thought playing by his rules made things better. That I was… that he was proud of me. That he loved me.” 

Jack looked so sad and crushed. 

“For what is worth, I'm proud of you. And love you unconditionally. I'm never going to ask you to go out of your way to please me. And no matter what happens, that won't change the way I feel about you. Or want to protect you any less.” 

Mac felt a fresh onslaught of tears and he was so ready to just be over with the day. Jack, as always, knew what to say and what to do. 

“What do you say we head back to mine? We could order something and just lounge on the couch, watch some TV. I can tell you are not ready to go back to your house.” 

“That's actually a good idea. I think my butt is numb from sitting here this long.” 

“Yeah, mine too.” 

They both laughed as they helped each other on their feet and dusted themselves before heading for Jack's GTO. 

Just before they got inside the car, Mac turned around and looked at the garage and then at Jack over the roof of the car. 

“Are we going to be okay, Jack?” 

He was still unsure, still insecure, wanting, no,  _ needing _ that reassurance. 

“Of course we are going to be okay, dude. It's us.” 

Mac smiled and even though there were so many things to be discussed and spoken about, he was feeling lighter than in a while. 

“And Jack? I love you too. Thank you.”

“Don't mention it, kid.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?


End file.
